It's difficult for me to know where to begin this post or even what I will say. This is the longest hiatus I've ever taken from blogging since I began in May 2012 and, for the first time, I fear that blogging will be forever changed for me. I will never fully be able to write and/or explain myself through this blog, but The Modern Austen has been a lifeline throughout the past year or so that I knew that I wouldn't give up on it regardless of how limited I might be. Everyone has this idea of what "hitting rock bottom" is like. Sometimes we joke and say, "Man, I've hit rock bottom" after we go through something particularly difficult. But when and how do you know that you've truly arrived at the bottom? I suppose it's when you feel like nothing worse could happen to you at this moment; everything that could go wrong has and all you can do is go up from there.
I've hit rock bottom.
Or at least I've been dwelling in my own personal hell for the past two weeks. Now, before I get overly dramatic, I realize that I am still so blessed and fortunate to have my loved ones surrounding me. I am not left with nothing. I am not alone.
Here's what I am, though:
I am broken incomplete uncertain scared angry devastated defeated enraged exhausted overwhelmed
My latest posts have been so encouraging and exciting. It truly seemed like my life was coming together. I trusted that God's plan for my life was coming to fruition--that every bit of chaos was tying together perfectly and finally revealing itself. I even felt happy for the first time in a long while. I was scared that saying all of it out loud would jinx me. I had no way of knowing just how much my life would be altered in such a short period of time.
Today, I write to you having emerged from the fire.
In one endless sequence of taxing changes, I unexpectedly lost my former boss, lived "homeless" for seven days, and resigned from my job.
If you know me well, this news (especially the last part) will come as a major shock. I'll never fully be able to discuss my situation through this medium, but I want to remain authentically me both personally and on this blog. (As for the "homeless" part, be prepared for a funny post in the near future.)
I don't have a clue as to where to go from here. I feel like I am starting completely over, but this time, without a true goal in mind. In some ways, the world is truly my oyster and I can go in any direction I choose; mostly, however, I am scared and overwhelmed and afraid of making the wrong decision.
In light of all of this madness, I am reminded of God's plan and how we must surrender ourselves to his will. I am confident that all of this indeed is happening for a reason and I cling to the hope that bigger and better things lie ahead.